Gorbachev inks up with Florida tattoo

By Nonatchka Saboka (Moscow Correspondent)

RUSSIA – Mikhail Gorbachev, the last leader of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republic (USSR) was spotted exiting a Moscow tattoo parlor, sporting a new tat of the State of Florida on his forehead.

Gorbachev with Florida tattoo

"I had all this valuable real estate going to waste," said Gorby, pointing to his hairless pate. "I'm pierced, inked, and ready to rock! Why should the young people have all the fun?"

The last Cold War nemesis, who engaged with President Reagan in an era of détente was less adversarial than collaborative during the final half of the 1980s.

Rumor Slut noticed the conspicuous absence of Cuba just below Florida, although Jamaica was where it should be, as were Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands.


"Castro can kiss my ass," said Gorby when asked about the missing Cuba. He said he owned a yacht in the Virgin Islands, so naturally he would have them tattooed along with Florida.

Gorbachev's Commie cred was in doubt after it was discovered that he tripped out on ecstasy with former U.S. President Ronald Reagan  at a Beverly Hills pool party in 1989. Since his retirement, Gorby has shown his cool with piercings, day-glo t-shirts, and drives a 1991 Dodge van with "Save the narwhal" bumper stickers.

Mara Liasson Arrested: NPR, Swedish Spy Ring Sting

Mara Liasson, NPR spy cover blown.

By Gündēŗ Ræsmøssën (Foreign Correspndent)

BREAKING NEWS

WASHINGTON, DC – Fox News veteran correspondent Mara Liasson was arrested early this morning in an apparent spy ring sting. Shocked neighbors witnessed a small army of black masked FBI agents enter Liasson's home, then emerge with a handcuffed Liasson.

Fox News spokesman Blair Brentwood told Rumor Slut that, "We suspected something was up when an informant recently tipped us off that Liasson was doubling as a reporter for National Public Radio."

"Any time you have involvement with NPR, close ties with Sweden can't be far behind," said Brentwood.

NPR is thought to be a front agency for Sweden, a socialistic country known for its affiliation with intellectuals (smart people) and also quality sex films.

Brentwood wasn't sure which anti-terrorism and Patriot Acts Liasson would formally be charged with.

"That remains to be seen, and a lot of it has to do with Liasson's willingness to cooperate with the government," said Brentwood.

No official word on who the informant was that ratted out Liasson as an NPR mole, but the word on the street is that it might be fellow Fox journalist and former NPR double agent Juan Williams.

Ann Coulter Has An Afro

Blond bimbo of broadcast has a new do.

By Küchen Küra (Field Correspondent)

NEW YORK – Ann Coulter, giraffe-necked mistress of the dark side had her hair done yesterday at a chic Village salon. Coulter now sports an afro.

Said Coulter about her new do, "My long, straight hair accentuated my long neck. I got fed up with watching the technicians and my producer making gestures as if they were chewing on the leaves of the thorny acacia from behind the studio glass."

"This isn't a racial statement at all. Why does the leftist lamestream media turn everything into an issue of race?" Coulter scolded. Our reporter said nothing about race, so we are left wondering, once again, what she is talking about.

Glenn Beck: "Somebody stole my blackboard chalk!"

By Mobius Carpatuna (Staff Writer)

EVERET, WASHINGTON – Conservative commentator Glenn Beck was in a tizzy Thursday evening, while preparing for his Friday show.

"Somebody stole my chalk!" a neighbor claims to have heard Beck shouting from his studio. The visibly shaken neighbor, who spoke on condition of anonymity, believes the chalk was a reference to Beck's famous blackboard. The blackboard is a prop, explained the neighbor, which Beck uses to target so-called "evil conspirators."

The latest of Beck's evil conspirators is the political action group CREDO. That group enjoys a 350,000 strong membership.

"I was surprised when a friend called to say that Glenn Beck had attacked CREDO on his show," writes Michael Kieschnick, CREDO President. "Then I watched it. Beck not only came after us, he put my picture on his famous blackboard, and called out five great nonprofits that we're proud to fund. Beck went on and on, spinning wild conspiracy theories."

Kieschnick said he was proud to have been honored with chalkboard status.

Everet police were called in, as neighbors complained about a loud screeching noise. It is suspected the noise was caused by one of Beck's wives, whichever one has the longest fingernails, as she dragged those nails down the blackboard.

"I don't care about your d*rned chalk!" the neighbor reported hearing, "I want you to take your daughter to her soccer game!"

Everet Police Chief Papa Joe Frizzio wouldn't comment to Rumor Slut, except to say that he arrested Beck on a domestic disturbance, and gave Beck's daughter a lift to the soccer field.

Beck is out on bail, but it is not clear what impact the missing chalk will have on his next performance, or if the chalk theft will be investigated.

Michael Savage Changes Name to Michael Weener

By Willie Wonty (Staff Writer)

SAN FRANCISCO - Michael Alan Weiner, better known to his listeners as Michael Savage (Better known? That's just weiner…I mean, weird) legally changed his name in a San Francisco court room this morning to Michael "Weener".

"I just got tired of people trying to figure out how to pronounce my name," said the acerbic tongued Conservative shock jock. "I mean, people would ask me, 'How do you say your name? Do you say it Weener, like the Oscar Meyer way, or is it Whiner, as in whining idiot?' So, I flipped a coin, tossed back a bottle of Two Fingers tequila, and went with Weener."

Judge Roscoe Bleup threw up his hands, perplexed. "Why not just change your name to Savage?" he asked Weiner (before he became Weener). "That's how most people know you."

"Hmmm," replied Weiner in a daze. "I guess I didn't consider that," he said.

Michael Weiner Savage Weener resides in an upscale San Francisco neighborhood. His wife Janet still goes by the name Weiner, but there is speculation she will have that changed to Whiner, as a compliment to her husband's new last name.

"We're getting our names tattooed on our backs," said the little missus. "Weener for him, Whiner for me. It will be cute," she said.