Michele Bachmann: “Anita Bryant is my sister!”

Rumor Slut has just learned the shocking news that Anita Bryant is the long, lost sister of fanatic right wing homophobe Michele Bachmann. Bachmann is a Congresswoman from Minnesota. She is currently on the rim of the political spotlight as a candidate for the U.S. Presidency.

“This explains SO much!” exclaimed Bachmann on a Fox News show. “I always liked that song Paper Roses, and now I know why.”

Bachmann’s gay hate platform is prominent on her campaign blog, and is only marginally out-hated by her predecessor Anita Bryant. Bryant made a name for herself in the 1970s selling Florida orange juice, and crusading against gay rights.

Bryant once said, "If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters."

Based on that statement alone, we are compelled to admit there may be something to this news. We haven’t heard of a run on marriage licenses for St. Bernards, but we are pretty sure some nail biters are taking wedding vows.

Bryant was instrumental in a 1977 Florida law prohibiting the adoption of children by gay couples. Floridians remained afraid of gay people until November 25, 2008, when a Miami-Dade judge overturned the law, finding it “unconstitutional and irrational.”

 

Although we at Rumor Slut have never understood the bizarre fear of right wing conservatives to gay people, we do shed a sentimental tear for Bachmann and her older sister Anita, and this brings new color to the slogan, “The family that prays (away the gay) together, stays together.”

A Comedy, in Three Parts

The interview.

Enter center stage, with a desk, and a man and woman siting on either side of the desk.

Herman Cain sits in a red leather chair. Across the desk from Cain sits Sharon Bialek, who is in Cain’s office looking for a job.

“So, Miss Bialek, tell me what skills you will bring to Godfather Pizza?” asks Cain. He begins to open a desk drawer.

Bialek looks at her interviewer and tells him some of her good points. Cain watches Bialek, licking his lips, and slowly pulls a white latex glove over his left hand.

 

Uzbekistan.

Six women dance onto the stage, three entering from the left, three entering from the right. They begin to sing an old campfire favorite called “Three Merry Fishermen” which include the lyrics,

“They all went down to Amster-dam,

They all went down to Amster-dam,

Amster, Amster, dam, dam, dam,

Amster, Amster, dam, dam, dam,

They all went down to Amster-dam.”

But the lyrics have been changed to:

“They all went down to Uzbeki-stan,

They all went down to Uzbeki-stan,

Beki, Beki, stan, stan, stan,

Beki, Beki, stan, stan, stan,

They all went down to Uzbeki-stan.”

Corporal Cain.

In the third act, the old Pink Floyd song Corporal Clegg is played, the lyrics of which originally go:

“Corporal Clegg, had a wooden leg.

He won it in the war, of 1944.

Corporal Clegg, had a medal too.

He won it from the Queen,

his boots were very clean.”

In this version, however, the lyrics are altered to:

“Herman Cain, had a wooden leg.

He won it in the bar,

He tossed dough very far.

Herman Cain, had a medal too.

He won it from a Queen,

His face was very mean.”

Mark Block on Cain’s “Bottoms-up” Strategy.

Cain defended his charge of sexual harassment to Greta Van Sustern on the Fox News On the Record.

“Of course I did not sexually harass the woman. She’s butt-thugly!”

Van Sustern asked Cain if he had a “roaming eye,” and after some cajoling about what she meant, Cain winked.

“Listen, sexual harassment is not a liability in my campaign. It’s a fringe benefit.”

CBS – “Once I referenced this lady’s type, I did this thing. This lady’s five feet tall, she came up to my chin. She obviously thought this was too close for comfort.”

Smokin’ Campaign Chief Mark Block explained the campaign strategy to Chuck Todd on MSNBC’s Daily Rundown, “We operate a bottom’s-up campaign.”

We at Rumor Slut scratched our heads over what seemed to be a faux pas. Did Block mean to say, “bottom-up” and not “bottom’s-up”?

Cain is now famously changing is story with each retelling.

We can’t end a story without a Crazy Ann Coulter quote: “Our Blacks are not like their Blacks.”

Zsa Zsa on New Starbucks Logo

Rumor has it that 93 year old ZsaZsa Gabor will be getting a new bionic leg. They want to turn her into the bionic woman, faster, stronger, and more titanium than ever before. If it is true that Zsa Zsa will become the six million dollar woman, then that will actually be a depreciation of her estimated net worth.

She may have a reprieve, however, if plans to put her face on the new Starbucks Coffee logo go through. Starbucks, as some of you are aware is revamping the mysterious logo on their paper cups. The words "Starbucks" and "Coffee" will disappear, as will the green outer circle. The girl in the middle, who used to be black, will now be entirely green. We don't know who she was, but we know who she will become, and that is none other than Zsa Zsa Gabor, wearing her own Hungarian Princess tiara. Of course, artists will have to smooth out some of the wrinkles, and give her yet one more face lift. Rumor also has it that Starbucks will replace that oceanic wavy design behind the Starbucks Princess with a hayfield pattern from Green Acres, which starred Eddie Albert and ZsaZsa's sister Eva Gabor.